Just Keep Swimming

I apologize that nothing was done with the blog in March. I had just started going back to DJing full time and being able to start putting weight on my ankle and walking again. Then Covid-19 finally hit Canada and Ontario, and as I needed time to process the emotional impact of social distancing and our state of emergency and how it was going to effect me directly; I really, really wasn't in the right head space to write. However, tonight a meme inspired me and since I can not sleep I felt writing may help others and also help myself as well. So I give you my internal monologue of how I keep coping as an extrovert in this crazy time.

It's hard to always be strong when it feels like everything is falling apart around you. At least that's the sentiment of the meme that catches my eye on Facebook. This is very true, I think to myself as I'm sitting up in bed in the dark, unable to sleep for what seems like the fifth night in a row. I mean the state of emergency has been extended for another two weeks, I can't work, I can't see any of my friends or family and I can't really leave my apartment very much so why don't I throw in the towel? Tell Covid-19 it has beaten me even though I never had any symptoms? The virus has won, might as well lie in bed all day and just do nothing, but slowly waste away, right?

Nope, guess again; and I'm going to tell you exactly why I won't give in. First off let's talk about my Fibromyalgia. Oh the wonderful condition I was diagnosed with in 2009, where chronic fatigue and pain reign supreme within my body especially when stressed and through seasonal changes. So you guessed it, this is prime Fibromyalgia season. I'm in a lot of pain, on my scale of 1-10 probably a 7 right now. As for fatigue, I'd sleep all day if I or my better half would let me. The cognitive issues that come with it as well, oooh boy it's fun having memory loss, time loss and forgetting words or how to formulate proper sentences let me tell you!

Every day I rise, fight through the Fibro Fog and just keep exercising by walking the dog. Dobby gets at least three walks a day rain or shine because he needs the exercise and so do I to rebuild the strength in my ankle. So air cast on, fight through the muscle and joint pain and the two of us go down the stairs around my apartment complex and back up the stairs as I said at least three times. Sorry Fibromyalgia you're not winning here.

So which condition wants to raise it's ugly head next, oh hi Borderline Personality Disorder ( BPD for short). This lovely little number comes with irrational emotional responses, extreme abandonment fears and the overwhelming fear of being alone and isolated. Change can bring on a breakdown, not having the contact with family and friends can cause huge depression and anxiety and you guessed it we don't handle stress very well; soooo not having the extra cash from DJ gigs kinda brought on a full blown panic attack at first. Once again would be really easy to give in to the black and white thinking of BPD and throw in the towel, disassociate completely, cut everyone off and just live in my own unemotional little world so I won't feel alone, abandon the world before it abandons me.

Then I hear Dr. Feltham and Ute's voice in my head, my psychiatrist and councilor throughout my mentalization therapy, saying you've come so far and worked so hard during the two years of therapy to subbcum to this condition now. You have the tools you need to utilize to get through this so do it!

Every day I rise and just keep going through my mentalization tools to keep on track. Which thoughts that I am having are rational and which one's are emotional responses? What emotions am I feeling and how do I go about processing them? How do I keep my mind and the minds of other's in the foreground of my thoughts so I don't overthinking or project my thoughts off of what someone else is saying or thinking? It's really really hard and some days I'm better at it then others, but I text or call friends and family I can't be with in person and try to remind myself they aren't forgetting me, they just are dealing with this pandemic in their own ways and may need a little more time before contacting you. When I start to feel myself getting emotionally detailed or having a disassociative episode, (and this is huge for me for those who know me), Instead of reaching for my bottle of wine I have tucked away for an emergency I have been actually using the tools I learned in therapy to get back on track and keep going. Sorry BPD, but you've lost as well. Thank you, next!

Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome will now throw it's hat into the ring (PCOS for short, we love shortening everything.) I don't know if everyone with this condition experiences this or if it's just the extra progestogen I am taking to try to negate symptoms, but I'm am 150 times more emotional during that lovely time of the month then I normally am with just BPD. So a PCOS and BPD combo has me laughing hysterically at a silly thing that was said one minute, snapping and bitting the hubby's head off the next and then it's on to bursting into tears at the slightest sad or sappy thing I hear. Luckily it's only for like a week, but man I just want to sleep, eat chocolate and hide. No way jose, PCOS is not stopping me either.

Every day I rise and I do things to keep me busy like deep clean an area of the apartment, take small steps without my aircast to build up my ankle strength (still working towards that happy dance when this is finally over), work on cross stitch projects I never had time to do, play video games and shortly I'll be adding learning French back into the repertoire. Will I get emotional and probably have to deal with it at some point during the day, you betcha. Will I give in to my desires to avoid feeling emotionally overwhelmed, hell no! The point is you either deal with what you're feeling or let it drown you. Sure I may have a mini breakdown and bawl my eyes out for what seems like no reason, or slam some cupboards because I'm frustrated which may start a mini argument about why I am slamming cupboards. The difference is how I react to those moments, this time away from the extra stress of work and feeling like I have to navigate everyone else's emotional rollercoaster while I'm a bit more likely to have a mood swings has honestly helped me deal with processing the moment. I acknowledge what I'm feeling and figure out how to get back on the emotional track I want to be on. Whether it's laughing over me crying at sappy lines in a comedy for like the 20th time, or addressing what has me frustrated and slamming cupboards, the point is I'm dealing instead of regessing the feelings. I tell you it's amazing, so run along PCOS, I win.

Lastly as an extrovert dealing with this pandemic and state of emergency. Sure I could let Covid-19 win, it would be really easy to say well my way of life ended so why bother? However, the DJ booth and the sucba shop will reopen and are waiting for me. I get to interact with people all over the world on Bigo Live, the awesome streaming application I was introduced back in October and I can use this down time to get stronger, spend more quality time with my hubby and dog and connect through text and through phone calls with family and friends. Am I worried about money, sure I am, we all are, but I know I have a great group of people who will help each out when they can and we will bounce back from this. It's going to take time and a whole lot of patience and love, but like the bar I work for namesake of The Phoenix we will rise from the ashes.

I have to do what Dory say and just keep swimming, just keep swimming...and take things one day at a time. Don't let Covid-19 win my friends and if you need me just reach out, I am here waiting to chat. With that off my chest I think it's finally time to sleep.

Goodnight!

~The Incidental Scribe, April 1, 2020.